I've always felt painfully aware of all the things I didn't know- and as a result, I've gone through long periods of indecision and waffling. Since I will be solely responsible for the repercussions of my actions and decisions, I always want to make the best decision; and the best decision is always the most informed. But of course, my knowledge will always be limited and decisions will still need to be made. This is a recurring problem in my life, and especially so as I entered young adulthood. How do I know what to major in if I don't know what I want to do with my life? How do I know what to do with my life if I don't know the meaning of life? What I am doing on this earth?
At first I expressed my pervasive existential anxiety in artistic persuits, documenting the (specifics) of the human condition. Concurrently, I studied philosophy hoping to uncover the meaning of life. I dedicated a bit of time to that question, until I realized the false assumption inherent in my question- maybe there is no meaning to life?
This realization lead to a full-fledged clinical depression, complete with a nihilistic attitude and suicial thoughts. This period lasted at least a few years...until I realized that I'd never commit suicide (it just seemed cowardly, and well, rude) and figured, while I'm here [on earth] and I might as well do something useful. But what? I came dangerously close to repeating the cycle, but this time I learned to rephrase my question: what is the meaning of my life?
I'm still ironing out the details of that (and plan to for the next sixty* or so years).
But I've stumbled upon a couple of things I just believe are true.
- I belive that everyone does the best they can, given the resources they have at the time; and by 'resources' I mean mental resources, experiences, physical resources, etc.
- This follows the above statement: everyone does what they think is most right at the time.
- And, this follows next: Everyone has a moral obligation to society to become educated, so that we can all function at our highest level of happiness.
- Happiness is better than sadness. Enjoyment in itself is a reason to do things.
- humans are programed to minimize pain and maximize pleasure. so maybe these things aren't inherently 'good' or 'bad', we should try our best to be as efficient as possible in minimizing pain and maximizing pleasure.
**I've decided I'm living to at least eighty-eight (5/8/2070), hopefully one-hundred and eight (5/8/2090).
