I used to give freely to the homeless- well, I guess they were homeless, I suppose 'beggar' would be more accurate- and I honestly thought I was being helpful; furthermore I received some pride and pleasure in 'helping.'
But, I've gotten older and more informed. At a conference to address hunger and homelessness, I learned that most 'beggars' were drug addicts, and my dollars were probably feeding their addicitons. The homeless that were legitimately working towards basic necessitites (food/shelter/work) had too much dignity to beg for money. In India I learned that the heartbreaking children I saw were often part of organized crime.
I've had the nauseating experience of being on the accepting end of pity and help. It was offered with good intentions, but watching others being so pleased with themselves afterwards left me annoyed. Likewise, I've been in situations where I was granted help that I really needed and felt grateful for, but it wasn't long before I found myself in a similiar situation needing the same help again.
On a couple of occaisons, I've volunteered at and I had fun, but I left with some conflicting emotions. I definitely experienced the do-gooder high, but I also felt guilty. I felt guilty and helpless. I felt pity for their disabilities, and then felt guilty for that. These were my sister and brother humans, they deserved respect, not pity. Many were eager for social interaction, and would be best served by someone willing to invest the time and energy to build real relationships. I enjoyed being there, but I knew I wouldn't carve out time in my schedule to come on a regular basis. I felt guilty for that as well. Why did I only go once if I knew I wouldn't go again? Was it to feed my own ego? I was like a fairweather fan of community service, only willing to do so when it was easy and pleasurable.
But honestly, what motivation did I have to make a more serious investment? I don't know these people and if I was to make a commitment to go more often, wouldn't it only be to feed my perception of myself as a 'good' person?
So now I'm thinking about it. What about 'helping' people?
Maybe its only sustainable to do things that bring us pleasure? Even in philanthropic situations...
Since I do experience some civic responsibility, I would like to incorporate some community service into my life; but I would like to avoid a situation where my primary motivation is a feeling of self approbation; so what would be a good balance?
